One of the most harmful ideas we’ve inherited is that needing others makes us weak. That self-reliance is the only “healthy” way to be in love. That if we’re strong, we shouldn’t need comfort, soothing, or support from anyone else.

But trauma research, nervous system science, and attachment theory say otherwise.

As a therapist, I’ve sat with so many clients who’ve been told they’re “too much” for wanting closeness. For needing reassurance. For desiring to feel emotionally safe in a relationship. There can be situations where this need is extreme but that’s another story. Depending on where we are on our path to healing , this need can request more or less attention.

In my own life I was told I am insecure, anxious, over-thinker, because I needed reassurance, I wanted too much safety.

The truth is I want safety. I know how important is to feel safe with someone. I think we all need to feel safe. But that can look diffently for different people.

Only when safety is present you can open yourself, let others really see you.

Only when safety is present someone can access and express their truth.

Sometimes we don’t do a good job at being a safe space for others or for different reasons we can’t feel safe with some people. And that’s ok. 

We can’t and we don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea.

Humans are wired for connection.

We are not made to self-regulate in isolation.

We are built to co-regulate, with safe others.

That is not codependency. That is biology.

Healthy relationships are not made of two hyper-independent individuals performing strength. Hyper-independence actually is a survival mechanism. And a sign that you don’t feel safe in that relationship.

They are made of two conscious people who choose to lean in.

To show up.

To take responsibility for their triggers and their healing.

And to support each other’s nervous systems in the process.

No matter how much healing you have done, a relationship will challenge you. It will trigger you. 

What you need it’s a safe space to process together. To support each other’s nervous system to regulate. To communicate. To be together in that process .

This is called interdependence, not losing yourself in another, but allowing yourself to be held, seen, and supported in your full humanity.

Yes, you can survive alone.

But healing, growth, and deep love thrive in connection.

We don’t outgrow our need for attunement.

We just learn how to choose people who can meet us there.

May you find the kind of love that soothes your nervous system.

May you be met in your need, not judged for it.

May you feel safe to lean, to soften, to breathe.

May you remember: connection is not a weakness, it’s how we heal.

With care and presence,🤍

Aniela

www.MindfulTherapist.us

Photo: Pinterest